a little bit of change

from anonimity to something more mine

http://pandorasboxboy.wordpress.com/

have fun…
and dare to open the box

The power of error

For once it’s work related: I made a big mistake at work and now I feel bad. This is simple, I think, pretty plain. You make an error and you feel bad. It’s ok, it’s normal.
But not for me… the more responsability I have, the more the weight of it is big on my shoulders… hence every error become more and more painful… to the point of real anxiety.
I know it will take me a few days to rationalize it, to think that I cannot be perfect even if I try so hard to be… but in the meanwhile I will feel this pain, here in the guts and it won’t go away for a while, I know. I feel so frail. I must be.
So what I will be if I can’t be what I want to be?
That’s why I need guidance? For I’m not able to set for myself a golden path?

We’ll see.
For now just lool at the worms Usul and see how big is the Maker.

On a dream and a kind of meaning

Dreams are the words of our sub-conscious. Dreams are the world of our soul. So it’s quite nice to analyze them and the feeling they bring, for they speak for us on the most primal level. They came from that dark place where we still are children fearing the monsters under the bed… and the must be understood or at least remembered.
Tonight I had a weird dream… my workplace was flooded by the sea, a dark and green sea and everyone was scared and crying and everyone looked so old and pitiful and suddenly the doors were shut and we had to leave. The flood was coming but I wasn’t scared. I liked the sea, it’s dark color, it’s strenght, it’s ravageous beauty. I was mainly worried for my collegues, they were sad and sobbing, while I was watching the sea growing from the beach and I was savouring it’s calm but inesorable conquest of the beach.
I didn’t sleep well. I woke up a lot of time due to some noise around. My sleep is always light and soft… as much as me.
But that dream was sort of a relieve, something weird but nice too, something scaring but fascinating.

I think I know the meaning. I think I might understand who’s the flood (although to my knowledge the flood is not the same as the sea).
So I have to welcome that flood, to be able finally to see the see winning over everything.
A shining green mass of shining feelings. The waves are coming, I have to see where they will lead me.

it’s just a music

It might be just a song, again, and it might have some other meanings too.
It’s about an apprentice not able to stop a spell he was able to put in place… it’s about a Sorcerer coming to aid and stop the mess.

I find amusing how my mind made the connection so easily between that apprentice and me, especially when he starts to chop the broomstick and from every single piece of it another walking broomstick arise ready to clean as it was before the first one… a legion of broomsticks or, if you want, a legion of self.
We are all bound to ourself, we are almost all alone… yet every effort we make on suppressing part of ourselves to go on living results invariably in more fear, more pieces scattered around our souls, more poison or our heart.
Then suddenly something happen or someone comes and he points out the mess and he fixes it.
And a lesson will be learned.

It’s my case in the willingness to suppresse my submissive side, telling to myself that I don’t need it… but every further chopping of the broomstick it’s just a short break, the horniness will come and will make me do things I will regret.
Until the dream will come true and I’ll find a Sorcerer that with the power of a few words will stop the broomstick and finally set the silence necessary to feel myself.
And the words, to be spoken only with the utmost truthful intent, are very easy and are as follow:

“You are mine
and I’ll take care of  you”

Nothing more, nothing less.

—————-
Now playing: Philadelphia Orchestra – The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
via FoxyTunes

On matters like trust

I’m listening to a powerful song, a sweet song, a song about life and streams of memories and lives. It’s like a noise, a voice to disrupt my thinking. For today was less a leaking and more of a thinking.
Having read what I’ve been asked to read, I’m full of curiosity and questions, yet sure that the answers won’t fit or won’t be useful yet.
The stereotype is that in a Master/slave relationship what really matters is trust, mutual trust.
You don’t get it until you find yourself scared and you don’t feel your trust is well placed… after that nothing really matter, you want to find someone that degree of trust you so highly and deeply want to give.
It means giving someone total control, giving someone the key for your mind, your body and ultimately your soul.
From here, from the point I am now, that state looks beautiful… looks deep and meaningful.
Sure is not free of questions, sure is not free of fears… but it’s the kind of feelings that you know will have a relieve only from arms strong enough to hold you and guide you through the pain, metaphorically speaking.

And now I have to shut down the music, for is driving me away from  my task, a daily task that it’s in place to remind me of my position and of my role (one might notice how far I am from calling it “my nature” yet).
Today we spoke of many things, but what we ended up is about decisions… my dislike of decisions… the extreme freedom of giving up decisions, any decisions, to be free of being oneself only, without any further masks or hiding…
That’s somehow the thread that lead me to start to investigate my submissive nature, sort of a romanticist dream of being one day held to a point in which is not me to lead my life, but someone else, allowing me to be myself without fears, completely open.

I’m far from realizing if this is possible. I read it can be possible, on that email, but reading is far from feeling. It’s just absorbing and processing.

Io che no ho capito niente tu che non mi basti mai che mi dai tutto (It’s me never figuring out  / it’s you being never enough but giving me everything)

That’s the song. She’s speaking of herself like I’m speaking of myself. Myself. Io. Quite a curious choice of song indeed…
But I won’t try to find a meaning to just chance, not yet.
Now I have some curiosities to figure out.

Just about time.

—————-
Now playing: Gianna Nannini – Io
via FoxyTunes